on overcoming opportunism

In the most unexpected turn of events, yesterday I was running through the streets of Paris with one of the founders of Yes Theory. Ironically, today (the day after) is when I finally learned to say No. 

It’s been three months since my last post - an obvious gap that can best be explained by the fact that I took on more that i could manage. It’s been a whirlwind of events, traveling between coasts and countries, running trips, presenting my work, visiting family, and trying to keep it all together while making the people around me happy. I hadn’t kept it all together though, I came back from a trip in February feeling abnormally sick and couldn’t leave my apartment for two weeks. The subsequent few months were spent yo-yoing from bouts of extreme productivity to crashing, feeling sick, developing insomnia, and losing a lot of fitness.  

I took a red-eye last week to speak at a conference in Paris, it was around the same time my family was flying back to the US from Cairo. I knew they were also flying AirFrance, we had sent a few messages and links in the group chat, I was busy on my flight trying to pull together slides. Side note: I firmly stand by the correlation that when you desperately need inFlight Wi-Fi is when it will vehemently refuse to work. I gave up, feeling slightly irritated, and tried to get at least two hours of sleep before rushing out of the airport to get to my Airbnb to prepare for the conference. While I was on the train, I checked the chat and realized my family had a layover in Paris the same time I'd landed. We were all in Terminal 2E...at the same exact time. After moving to the other side of the country, and with the chaos of my life, I hadn’t seen them in two months and wouldn’t see them again for another six weeks. My mind was being pulled into a million different directions and this was a detail I just simply forgot. My sister sent pictures of my nephew, playing on the floor at their gate, and I felt a deep pang of regret. I was moving too fast and knew my regret and sadness was because I missed them but also as an opportunist it felt like the one chance I could see them.

I’ve spent time reflecting on the opportunities that had been awarded to me: those that I hustled for, earned, or were presented to me with minimal effort. And by taking every opportunity that was in front of me, refusing to say no and delusionally believing that I can push through one more week. Week after week. I realized I was riding a fine line between productivity, success, and eventual burnout. A few mental breakdowns in a single week should be a sign to slow down and I decided to finally listen. I cancelled the rest of my trip (just the idea of traveling for nine more days and two more countries left me feeling nauseous) and started thinking I’d rather play the long game. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, isn’t it?

I had escaped one rat race only to have inadvertently constructed another one whereby pursuing my passions brought more attention, pressure, and pulled me into another cycle of overachieving. My mom was right, “too much of a good thing can be bad.” A few weeks ago, I was listening to Omar Samra at the Harvard Arab Conference. We both align in a crazy, ambitious sort of way - in his years of experiences he shares that "there will always be an infinite number of dragons to slay, and infinite number of games to play, and we should find fulfillment and peace in whatever it is we are doing now". 

I lost the things I used to enjoy doing. I was half-assing the things I’d rather focus on doing with ihsan. I felt like a shell of myself and wouldn’t take pictures or look in the mirror to avoid seeing how chronically exhaused I looked. However, I’m not ending this on a depressive note, I’m actually quite optimistic. I think we should view this world and the opportunities that present themselves as limitless. The entire core of Yes Theory is to embrace things you never thought you could do. You know best what that means for you in whatever phase of life you are in. I’ll need to recover and rebuild because a shaky foundation is a recipe for disaster. My overactive brain that is constantly thinking about how to optimize, streamline, and operate more efficiently deserves a break. I’ve finally accepted that functioning at this level is inhumane for any single person. So, I am saying no and asking for help. In the words of my incredibly wise sister, “choose yourself for once over an opportunity”. I’m making the conscious decision and finally agreeing.  

I know these next six months might be crazier than the last, and God Willing I will be ready for it. Reader, I hope you find something useful in my ramblings, and at the very least I hope today you can find some way to choose yourself <3 Happy Mental Health Awareness Month