signs, stick season, and a sense of self
I’ve come to brace myself most Novembers. It’s not a month that has held more of a significance in my life, after losing my job on Nov 9th, 2022, I’ve used this date (and month) to revaluate where I am, how far I’ve come, and to trepidatiously try to anticipate what could possibly come next. It was quite opportune, and I truly believe a sign, when this year I spent that week in Deckers, Colorado after I received a scholarship to complete a Wilderness First Responder course alongside other women of color part of other affinity groups.
One day earlier this month I was doing a 16 mile long run along the San Diego coastline and a few days later I was bundled up trying to get a 45 min easy run done in the middle of a blizzard at Camp Shadybrook in Colorado. If I’ve learned anything these last two years, it’s been to expect the unexpected and do the things that come into your life with ihsan (excellence), strong values, and the right intentions. My decision paralysis from earlier this year is waning, signs of burn out creeping in but still kept at bay, and days like today where I can sit at home and focus on rekindling my itch for writing and reflecting without distractions helps me regain my sense of self. I’ve missed the moments of stillness that allow me to unravel my thoughts: it’s only then when I can finally process everything that’s happened and appreciate it for what it is and where it has brought me.
In a season of transitions, both with the weather and with life, I will always wonder if my pursuits make sense. When you optimize for one goal, you inevitably compromise on others. The pros and cons list no longer serving as a sufficient metric or technique because the magnitude of each of those points changes with every conversation I have with the people I’m closest to and the state of the world that we’re living in. It will never get easier, the moments where you feel like you have to make a decision that will change the trajectory of your life, which is why I will always make the dua that Allah SWT makes the decision for me that are the hardest to make. May we all open our eyes to the signs around us that tell us when we should continue down a certain path, when it’s time for a change, or when we should give us something we love for the sake of someone else inshaAllah.
